Thursday, December 4
Loved with a fire red, now its turning blue. when your name is pegged to look after something or an object/item, a process, a system,
and since nothing and no one is perfect, and something goes wrong. And you are not the cause or the reason it has happened(or the person who has caused it for that matter), is it fair for everyone to put the blame on you?
Is it fair for people, to assume that the reason why it has happened, is because of you?
Is it fair if the problem which you never knew existed, which was already there days or hours ago, and considering the fact that no one has told you and that there was no way that you could have known it even existed. Is it fair, if people blamed you for your negligence?
Is it fair, that because you have your reasons for carrying out something different as compared to the usual norm , even though it has absolutely no negative impact and you know that what you are doing is perfectly normal, is it fair that you get screamed or looked down at for that reason ?
The past few days, it has gotten me to realize that pleasing everybody has almost become a serious business, OR ELSE, you get fucked or blamed for it even though you know that 1) it is not even your fault, 2) you slipped, because we do forget at times or because there are other much more significant life-threatening situations and patient centered situations that need to be attended to. 3) even though you know you gave your best.
Frankly, in short, i'm starting to get tired of the way things are being done, people leaving, some people becoming unreasonable, your instituition does'nt exactly give a damn about what you think or what you have to say, their inflexibility, their selfishness, their anal-ness. Its pissing me off and i'm getting fucking tired. Even though its just been've 7 months. And i've got 2.5 more years to go, and right now, i sincerely wish i could just go. But because i used to have such zest and love for this place, because there are still people here i respect and enjoy being with, but because i know there might still be something that can be offered, I still am fond of the place.
But i'm pretty sure my fondness has its time limitations if things turn greyer.
I've thought of my other options, some of them even suggest that i leave the profession in a whole.
But frankly, nothing else suits me as much as this and right now i'm stilll very much in love with what i've studied for, the past 3 years and definitely no regrets.
Only time will tell.
Till then,
Goodbye.
impulsively and honestly,
yours truly
9:47 PM
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