Thursday, June 21
This is going to get lengthy and personal
but i swear its the deepest i'm gonna get ever.
Actually, i dont quite know where to start
i've got so much to say, to put into writing
So i guess, i'll start from here.
Today, I woke up this morning,
and i thought about my life, thought about my dad(who pissed me off in the morning),
thought about him.
Annd..
it got me all scared and wondering.
Plans for my future just kept flashing through my mind, i knew what i had wanted to do already, career wise and when i turn 26, i also knew the problems with my dad would eventually be temporary or at least i would'nt be staying with him the rest of my life. And then, i thought about him. You know, call me foolish or crazy but i think i've come to a point in time whereby i start thinking about a partner for a lifetime, i shan't mention the M word because frankly it scares me even, but lets just keep it to "partner for a lifetime".
Believe it or not, I woke up these few days with a very light, pleasant little feeling in my heart, its one of those feelings which sets you in the mood for everything, its one of those feelings which can make you say to yourself or even out loud "I LOVE MY LIFE".
And deep down i know the source of all that is him.
Pity Me but, i dont remember feeling this way about anyone else and this is as frank as i'm gonna get and that is i dont want to have to give him up and let go.
For many of our close friends who have inevitably seen us arguing. I mean, every couple argues, maybe we argue sometimes a tad too often...like
"I'm telling him, please dont smoke and all that because apparently he was wheezing and coughing, i hate to be seen as naggy and so happened he said i was nagging..and told me to shut up..well i hate it when people tell me to shut up, particularly my boyfriend. So, i get a little pissed and all and decide to throw a little tantrum by closing down all conversation windows with him and everyone else and then i tell myself i'm not gonna talk to him until he apologizes ! And then 1 minute later, i open up a new chatbox with him telling him he's really mean and all that stuff..and then minutes later we're talking like normal human beings again."
Its that kinda stuff that i cannot seem to understand, its like i cant help but i keep falling over and over.
"Everyone knows he can get quite, well ermm abusive or violent playfully and so yeah, there he goes about with his usual routine of irritating me(i reckon he could live a day without doing so) by what..pinching whatever subcutaneous fatty tissue i have on me..or worst, biting me. Which yes does eventually lead to alot of bruising and excruciating pain and sometimes even tears. And he hateess it when i start to even tear and just because i am tearing he starts to get the wrong idea that i'm upset. I mean look at this, sometimes tearing is like a natural reflex, its like when we get our ears pierced, the pain is sudden and instant that you'll just tear. It that kinda thing you know, like I REALLY CANT HELP IT ! Maybe because i cry ever too easily i mean its not like i can help my emotions sometimes. And then we start arguing over me tearing and i insist its not that i'm upset or anything but that its purely unintentional or uncontrollable and he'll insist that i 'm CRYING. you see there's a difference between crying and tearing. Lol. But its quite amusing or should i say entertaining to see that annoyingly adorable look on his face when i start tearing(uncontrollably). Its like HAH ! And then I think to myself, how in the world did i get to fall so hard for this idiot right next to me. "
Scenario 3 is like probably the most common one.
"I'll go hey that guy is hot. And he'll be like OH..checking out other guys in front of me all la. And then he starts well abusing me playfully again. And thenn, he just has to, duplicate whatever i just did and starts checking out other girls in a so very obvious way its funny and sometimes yes pisses the shit out of me. And so I'll get all frustrated and give him cold "i am so gonna kill you" stares which eventually leads him to saying "What! At least I check them out in front of you kinda thing" And then! that's the weird part..like HELLO, at least I was checking guys out in front of YOU and i did'nt make it so dead obvious, i dont say HI to the guy or give them my cheeky smiles! And then yes, there we go, its World War 4 after that, with a few exchanges of pinches and kicking and all that...Annndd after all that, we somehow end up laughing or me(tearing) and yeah hugs and kisses, yay ! happy ending. "
I mean seriously, it is a happy ending. I dont know, maybe its just the irritating part of the person you'll come to miss when he or she is gone. And i'll miss so much about him if we ever have to part.
I would say this relationship changed me because i dont get petty and angry over nitty gritty details ANYMORE like no calls or msges, well sometimes i do wonder why i dont get them but i like the space i get from him and still i am glad that he still does get jealous sometimes. I mean, to me, a little jealousy is always a good sign. I mean a person has got to learn to be a little possessive and a little flexible at times. Something which i can proudly say i've learnt very much from him.
I also like the fact or should i say appreciate the fact that we dont see each other everyday even though we're in the same school and same course, i love the way i miss him sometimes and its nice to know that someone you love misses you too. It makes you treasure your time much more when you're together alone and mind you we really do not get very much time alone, like just the two of us and i suppose it really does have its benefits ! (:
There's so much i can say, and as strange as it might be, i think we're better off now than when we first started off. People always say your first few months would be the honeymoon months, but call us weird or whatever you wish, i think i pretty much like the "us" now, than what we were 4 months ago. I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now, and i can only hope for the better. I'm happy with the fact that my mum likes him and my family knows about his existence and somewhat prefers him to the ex boyfriend. I dont like switching boyfriends like underwear, i mean everyone knows I am a long term person. I certainly cant say what's ahead for me or for us in the future, but even though we all have our doubts and questions sometimes, those things can be compromised and i'm quite sure I would want to see Him in the years of my life to come, and i can only pray and hope that he is feeling the same way as well.
And so, if you're reading this, theinesh..
I know how much I irritate you sometimes(okay, ALL the time) and YES you do irritate me as well and sometimes we do argue. And i know you're usually not very upfront about your feelings and your hopes wishes and dreams for us(okay that sounded cheesy).. but I hope and pray for the best, for the both of us and certainly i wish for you, the same happiness that you give to me.
yaii rwwoffee roo !
Till then, Goodbye world.
(:
impulsively and honestly,
yours truly
2:17 PM
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