Tuesday, December 5
for some reason, i should actually be happy
but, i have no freakin idea why i'm currently drowning myself
in emo songs.
i was just looking at old pictures of people i've met along the way,
reading blogs, thinking, reminiscing.
and i've realized. dammit, i'm going to be in my 3rd year, in 3 months time.
and to those of you who dont know yet(not that many people read my blog),but
i am going to bangkok, for a month's attachment and studying.
trust me, making that decision was a killer.
having to decide between cambodia and bangkok, was seriously tough
to those of you who were around to help, thanks.
but no one really knows the exact reason why i was in such a dilemma
and i'd like to keep it that way, prolly till i leave for bangkok.
so i've looked at how people change, how lives change
and sometimes it scares me.
will i,
ever get married ?
will i,
ever get my degree ?
i m sure everyone knows by now that
i WANT to get married and get my degree.
it may still look like a long way from now,
but fact is,
many nurses DO NOT get married
and that's something to worry about.
and i dont want to end up being a 50 year old, unmarried Ward Sister
who has no other life besides her staff and ward, nagging at her staff all day long.
shiit.
but maybe i am just afraid
i am just afraid of the future
i am just afraid, that the things i hope or plan for it to happen
will not happen.
i ought to realize that i cannot always cling onto the safer route.
and not try something new
and i've made a big mistake there
because, after so long i've realized.
i was holding on to you, deepan(not that you read this)
because i was afraid.
there were others out there.
but, i was afraid
so i hung on to you, not because of love
because, i was afraid.
i mean, being with you meant a guranteed future.
but everytime i held your hand, hugged you.
i thought to myself, this is'nt what i really want
i wanted a future, definitely
but i did'nt want a future, the way you wanted yours.
being with you, would mean having to sacrifice what i love doing.
sacrificing some people i enjoyed being with
and i simply was'nt ready or willing to be exact, to sacrifice all that
so much so, if i did, i'd have to lie to you.
another reason why i decided to let go
was obviously, because of someone else.
i wont say anything for now,
i wont give my praises so soon
but
each time i was with deepan,
as unfaithful as it might seem.
i could'nt help, but think of you.
i'd wonder, what you're up to.
who you're with. where you're at
and its not like i can help it.
i've seriously tried.
many people, can hold testimony
that, i've actually never loved or wanted anyone so badly.
i dont want to type a love letter so i'll keep my reasons for now
but 6 months, is a dreadfully long time.
for someone, like me, yes 6 months is long.
i dont know why i kept holding on to you
despite that incident.
but, i could'nt seem to let you go,
coz, i've actually never felt this way in my entire life.
and a whole lot of other reasons most people would'nt want to read about
and like i've told you, i'm actually scared, of you.
but a portion of me really hopes and wishes,
you'll stay, for as long as you can
stay because, i'll always need you
stay because, i'd always be around for you
stay because, i'd love you the most.
*i hope this is'nt getting too mushy and all. haha.
i apologize if some of you are already getting the jitters
or hair raising effects .
i cant help it WHAT. Lol.
and so, i dedicate this song.(thanks steph)
You give me Something by James Morrison You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.
Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
Cause someday I might know my heart.
You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.
impulsively and honestly,
yours truly
11:16 AM
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